Season 2018-2019 – It Begins

Yes folks – we are back, uniform a bit tighter, injuries a bit more obvious – but back and loving it!

Game 1 Tigers 12 Ballers 4

Recruitment News

The video recordings Bayno had on Dan from the South Island Masters have finally borne fruit and he’s agreed to join the team at last! welcome about – dont worry you’ll pick up the rules and fines system just as soon as we figure it out too! Great to have you onboard and looking forward to you joining in on our circus tune music sessions!

Bayno still has recordings of all the other Tigers available for purchase – its lucky dip stuff – he takes the envelope full of cash or recurring credit card costs, you get something that once seen cannot be unseen, and could give you nightmares for along time – I mean that clip of Moose doing the tuffle shuffle from Goonies – whilst hilarous is well just wrong… so trust me – even if you can afford the hefty $9.99 price tag… have serious think about it first.. (online ordering available here)

Game News

Bourkey hit so many bunts today that the umpire advised that he’d be out on the next one.. Reubs hit a massive home run  – I mean double and found a golden egg, Pebbles didnt get struck out, Beaver welcomed Nails to center field with the best pumpkin of the game,Alan held Logan long enough on 3 that Des almost caught him up.. but then didnt..Moose arrived and went all jazz hands on us, until we voted him the official team “cuddler”, then he just winked and smiled knowingly. Everyone hit and everyone dodged the fine tin too.. Bring back Fiona!

Happy trails team I’m off to get some more blue vein cheese..

Season 2017-2018 Yellow Peril

Tigers 9 Swingers 1

I know Buzz wont be happy but good hit Andy Campbell – always good to hit one out of the park. That said…. the lucky Yellow tops came through again. Good stuff.

After giggling away to myself in Right Field today – mainly when Reubs on one kept telling peeps to “Fu** Off” which was pretty much every second batter, i felt the need for more comedy, so headed into town to check out the Buskers.

Did you know that 88% of this years buskers are all ex-softball players.. I didnt either, but then 36.7% of statistics are just made up on the spot… anyways – I hung out in town for a bit and was going to head home when this one act caught my eye. It was a double act.. a crazy kind of duo how made me chuckle most heartily. Funny thing is they both reminded me of people I know … but I couldnt quite put my finger on who..

I filmed them both, so if you have suggestions – let me know – it might just jog my memory.. i think the beard is fake though…

Who could this be??

Technically this could be any of us I guess… but help a Tiger out.

Kia Kaha!

Tigers Win v RKS. Tigers Give Beer to Logan for fully assisting the Reubs.

Did you ever watch “I”m Gonna Get You Sucka!” – Rotten Tomatoes has it down as certified fresh and reviewers tag it such as “Unrelenting, unremitting, a brilliant broad-brush of a parody.” Which reminds me of how the Tigers can and do play most Saturdays.. now they reason I remembered this movie was that every character has a band that follows them around and plays their theme tune.. now it kind of got me to thinking.. after Fly Guy Reubs joined the Hood on Saturday what would be his theme tune as he steps up to the plate on Saturday.. I know he wont let me play it on his speakers, so I’ll bring a spare… any ways please submit your vote in the special CT Tigers Messenger Group and we’ll blast it out on Saturday. Hopefully it will inspire him to greatness – pressure makes diamonds and all that..

Option 1 – In The Hood – Trae

Option 2 – KKK ReUpload – Christmas Edition… apparently…

Option 3 Where the Hood at – DMX

Tigers 5 – Ancients 0

Apparently you had to be there to witness the bat throwing awesomeness that was this game.. and to be honest with two of the leading batters out that week (Moose n Pebbles) the team was lucky to come through as well as they did. Champion team not a team of Champions etc etc..

Tigers 2 – Halswell 3

As Bruce Forsythe would say ‘Good Game, Good Game!’ and it was. Both sides had their chances, the team kitty benefitted and everyone survived to play another day. I had to console Moose at the end of the game though… poor guy was still shell shocked that Beaver passed the Pink Shirt on to him, despite only winning it off Rama a couple innings before… still he who weareth the pink shirt doth maketh the rules… once Moose understood this, he felt better and was off home with plans to excrete his patented Moose Juice liberaly all over the shirt. Lets just say the new wearing will be riddled with moose pheramones right up to Christmas..

Anyways – lets give this series of home movies as a fun way to try this new tech… not sure how well these will stream… but worth a shot.. they are all about 10-20mb in size so not massive, massive…

 

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Tigers 0 Swingers 6

My eyes are now starting to dry up, but the puffiness will remain for at least the next 48hours… the pain is still there, but now only when I cough..

In other news the un-mighty Tigers got a little bit of a dust up today, and no matter how many jumping catches (with pirouettes) that Reubs did, no matter how many times Des and EB hit long to centre field, and no matter how many times the rules got tweaked a little, the result stayed the same.. best player out there today was of course Number 4 The Younger… good couple of hits up the middle and involved in a great relay to stop a sure fire home run… good job Rory!

As for the rest I’ll just leave you with this…

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Tigers 6 Richmond 0

In shocking scenes here today at Papanui domain, the teams, bystanders and Jay witnessed a rare merging and then replacement of Reubs. Batter 5 ‘Reubs’ who by all accounts was a little shorter than normal (different shoes..) took to the field got round the bases, he also slid into home, as this happened, the crowd was momentarily knocked into a small worm hole caused by the ground movement and vibrations.. in super slow motion from out of the worm hole a second Reubs appeared, this one batting at 7.. this Reubs 2.0  did not fall over and hit the ball well… Crisis talks have begun with National Defence, CSU and Ball Bag to determine whether this is one of the first signs of the apocalypse or just me suffering from eating too much blue cheese again.. time will tell – but if you spot anything unusual, please reach out to officer P Bayne at 0800 ICDeadPeeps who will listen attentively then hang up.

Other strange things happened out there today nothing untoward from Shakey.. no falls… good hits… just slightly longish pants.. in fact truth be told it was hard for him to pass on the Pink top as there wasnt much to go on out there… which is just… well… unTigerlike…

We also saw the mysterious case of the non Jumping Beaver aswell.. it is believed that side effects from the earlier worm hole somehow managed to pin Beaver to the ground making him unable to field an ‘easy’ catch from Pres…

Then we have Nails hitting two massive bombs to centre right only to have the right fielder standing in the exact position (on the fence) to catch the ball with out even moving .. truly strange..

Perhaps the reason why it was hard to pass on the easy pink was that a couple of key players were missing.

Rev and Father Dougal were out preparing flyers for an upcoming retreat they are working on. They’ve stepped things up this year and will be hosting at the El Rancho complex, apparently there’s a better tax incentive and loyalty scheme there that works on a per person saved retainer.

So for every person they save from the devilry of Halloween and Cup Day they accrue ‘El Rancho Dollars’ that can then be used to upgrade their services or get add-ons. Ball Bag reports that Dougal is working on sorting his limo add-on complete with jacuzzi and sweet beats upgrades, whereas Rev is working on using his dollars to kit out his sinner re-education chamber… so watch out over the coming weeks as each will try to ‘save’ you from yourselves or the new government or something.. remember they cant ‘save’ the same person, so pick your flavour.. fire and brimstone or playboy cult..

With just few days to go before Halloween, Bayno has asked that I share a quick safety announcement. Please exercise caution near any large white vans prowling the lazy Halswell suburbs, extreme care should also be taken if you receive anf invites to Matara HoeDowns… Bayno advises that the HoeDown line is often a front to much more sinister happening that only the Brethrens of Golden Bay are able to cleanse..

Lets be safe out there!

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Game 2

Tigers 15 Ancient Bandits 3

It’s official Reubs has taken Shakey under his wing. Ballbag reports that Reubs was heard to say “if you are going to fit into this team you need to follow my lead… disarm any potential rivalry by doing dumb stuff in the field… the easiest thing you can do is fall over… lots… the team loves this and it’ll really help open some doors… oh and  here – have this pink t-shirt….”

And so Shakey did ‘The Shakey’… fly ball right, no play ball… just fall over and its done.. welcome to the team… then he did it again to take a nice flyball catch…

Now Reubs is actually quite competitive…. so after watching The Shakey he pulled the young fella aside again and said… “look mate.. that was great… in fact it was almost too good… so ease up a bit and let me do the next dive… cheers”… I guess standards need to be maintained and places retained in the wolf pack – or in Reuby speak ‘aint no one gonna out reub the reub! ‘

Cue “The Reubs” a falling over on the base to get the runner out.. just.. touche Shakey, touche..

We put it to Winston about which dive was best, but he’s going to take a while.. so we are putting it out there – the audience can decide.. The Shakey or The Reubs… both outstanding… but as the Kurgan says… There can be only one..

Doing ‘The Reubs’

Doing the Shakey

Most attendees at the ground would probably go with the Shakey – given 2 additional factors.. running off at the end of the game for a little tinkle before the handshakes, then discussing in detail his recent medical adventure aka ‘my back street enema’ pretty sure you can google that… but not at work eh.. anyways.. the story was full of color (in a brownish kind of way), but started to unravel when the ‘doctor’ started talking about her DiY sessions… it was then a very quick slide from medical misadventure into dodgy as F**k drama… there are somethings you just dont tell Tigers…

In other news, everyone was hitting today (except… well you know) things kicked off in earnest with Nails firing up everyone in his second at bat and then it was pretty much all on.. Home Runs to EB and Pebbles sealed a better day with the bat than last weekend pre-season match up. EB pulled out the best bunt of the season so far with a delightful spinning top maneover that out-foxed everyone.

Kia Kaha Troops – enjoy the swingers party out at Spencer Park… you know how it works.. keys in bowl.. nudge nudge wink wink…

 

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Game 1

Welcome Grapple Fans to another thrilling and awe inspiring season to come. Our weekly match write ups will keep you close to the action and you wont miss a play….

Anyways – in the final game of pre-seaon run outs…

Tigers 1 Halswell 5

Apologies for putting this match report up I’ve been a bit held up reading the local rag. You’d be amazed about what you’ll find in The Press these days… the following headlines caught my eye…

From the International Section

Somalian President found safe

Concerned Papanui Softballers were relieved to find His Majesty El Presidente D Vai-Luga safe and well on Saturday night. The president was last seen over 7 days ago heading to a ’21st Party’ which according to ancient Somali custom can rage for days. HRH Vai-Luga took it upon himself to continue to party throughout the week, at one point even managing to give his security team the slip. DC Moose Elkins who heads up the fitness training of the security detail had no answers at the time of the disappearance, but later was heard to say ‘Que?’ which according to learned professionals means ‘Who?’

From the Local News

High Flying IT worker fat fingers the monthly amount of Chips he’s been eating – sets off small media storm. 

J.J Reubens Reuben, Executive IT Worker and general angry softball fan reportlidly mis-entered his daily chip intake into his Pink and Neon Fitbit and got such a shock that he sent a panicked email to a friend – unfortunately he fell foul of predictive email addressing and forwarded his message to the Pak N Save Discount Deli Manager who promptly posted the message in store.. ooops…

Missing Eels Found Safe

Christchurch Hospital revealed today that they recovered 16 rare albino eels from the rectum of a patient one Jason Bourke who had told friends he was heading to hospital for a knee operation. Dr. Chris Peacock, the on duty surgeon described the issue as alarming, and cautioned people from faking sports injuries to gain colo-rectal surgery time.

Around the Courts

White Van Driver Caught

The mystery Halswell White Van Phantom was apprended last Saturday after eluding Officer P Bayne for at least 5mins. The Van has been seen driving eratically around the Rolleston area. It is believed the van’s driver had been enticing males to jump in and head to the pie shop, only for these unfortunate victims to suffer a severe raddishing instead. Initially the driver reported he reason for his driving was because he’d split his mince and cheese pie, however the canny Officer Bayne detected no pie odour emanating from the vehicle and grew suspicous. A full cavity search conducted at the roadside revealed nothing out of the ordinary, but the officer heard some faint wimpering in the back of the van and rescued the unfortunate souls that had been picked up earlier. Luckily the radishes used were rather small and not too hot and it is believed that the victims will undergo a full recovery in time, but may have to wear man-nappies in the short term.

Classifieds

“Yee Sinners Beware! “

Only I offer you the solace of a repentant life of bliss – join me this Saturday 1.30pm as I show the the light of softball and repent the sins of worldly flesh. Contact the Right Honorable Reverent Rev for a ritual flaying”

 Kia Kaha!

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World Masters 2017

Tigers win both cross over games vs Ipswich Warriors – 13 -1, then today vs Strykers 8-0. All up played 9 lost 2 ended up 5th. Kind of sucky but thats the way the draw rolled. Great times had in Auckland, even when the rain came down in the last 48hours. Here are the match reviews.

A massive court session caught everyone by surprise yesterday. Re Once v and Father Dougal used it as a run through for the great Tiger Cleansing to happen Sunday afternoon. Once completed there was not much to do except go to the Birkenhead RSA where the mother of all darts contests began. The event combined with an Elvis night and Bayno was in heaven, working the 80s Plus age bracket for much rock and rolling… bloomers were flying at him left and right, most clean… others not so much.. if he didnt have pink eye already, he would have succumbed last night..

To everyone’s amazement it was the combination of Darren and Fiona who rope-a-doped every team they faced rolling in with a played 5 won 5, swiftly followed by Pebbles and Radholden with an awesome played 5 lost 5 show.. although we did own all comers on the pool table until our magic ran out after game 2…

Its fair to say that we are no longer the sharpest tools in the shed after a tour of duty lasting 10 days. This has struck people in some strange ways, the most obvious effect has been dehydration, Dazza leading the way on showing the team how to correctly feed the local garden wildlife. We’ve also seen a fair amount of short term memory rubbing off from Rama and hitting Bar Lamb and Bourkey quite spectacularly – both fund guilty of the crime of leaving equipment at the diamonds. The Bourkey charge is debatable as there is an ugly rumour that he left his Go-Pro in place to secretly film members of the ladies over 65 teams, hey pal.. whatever spins your wheels..

We’ve also had our first ‘Bleeder’ at a court session – EB guilty of sucking his shot gun can a little too hard and slicing his top and bottom lip – ouch..

Anticipation is building for the Tiger Cleansing taking place in 20mins.. I’m dropping off now as I need to align my chakras to ensure survival. See you on the other side.

 

 

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Tigers beat Monowai 8-1 mercy in the 5th.

Apologies gentle readers for the lack of match reports in the last 24hrs. I know you all set your clocks by this inspirational content, please know that if the Rev had allowed me to be unchained from the Sinners Box I would surely have typed something up… but as noted he’s keen to root out all sinners and thinking myself clever I offered up an early plea of guilt. I was set the most harshest of penances, given a heavy birching a set out as an example to the rest of the team. Only now, as the scars are starting to heal up can I pick up where things have left off… and boy is there a bit to catch up on.. here’s the quick version.

Its been a roller coaster ride in the last day or so. The Tigers were treated to a most entertaining night at the Lone Star, Takapuna. Service was top notch. In fact it was higher than the toppest of notches. Every player was amazed that every dish came out with a free hug and new item for the scavenger hunt. Truly impressive stuff. The trouble now, is how to transport the wooden indian statues and Nails’s smurf home to sunny Christchurch?

At the Lone Star the team became aware that ‘The Softballers’ at the games may have picked up a bit of a reputation. Not us of course, but those other more naughty ones. We met a group of Games Volunteers from the Swimming, who on finding out that we were playing softball instantly mentioned “oh are you the ones stealing all the flags” with practiced ease Rama looked blankly back at the volunteer, smiled and said ‘Yes, I’ve heard about this, I’m actually documented all such instances of theft for a documentary I’m putting together” notes were taken, eyebrows were raised and justice was served.

Anyways – back to the game. Show hit the biggest 3 bagger of the tournament to date.  Churchy played chase the yellow ball in left field and loved it so much he refused to pick it up and decided to run after it again. Rama threw too hard at RadHolden who was wearing a chest protector, and so when the ball hit him in the guts, it bounced vs sticking.. this confused him and the ball ran back between his legs.. 5 seconds later the runner crossed the home plate.. doh doh doh..

The team took a small break post game to think about players who couldnt make the tour. We tried to speak fondly of Reubs, Petal and Beaver, but things got quite emotional and no one could say anything as we choked back the tears laughter.

We begin our challenge for 5th place today – good luck amigos!

 

 

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Tigers go down 2-3 to the Scorpions – tied up at 2-2 until the first pitch of the of the bottom of the seventh. Boom big home run. Great game though, competitive and everyone played great. Heads up – we move on.

Today’s big news is that the Reverend has landed. Confessions are available at your own discretion, he’ll be preaching from the room 19 lounge during the hours of 5-6pm with a late night special available in the private audience chamber to the right of the main lounge room. Just knock 3 times and head on in – he’ll be waiting..

On Sunday The Rev will be teaming up with Father Dougal to lead the team in morning prayers followed by a compulsory confessional. They will be going full ‘Old Testament’ style at this session and ferreting out the sinners amongst the team. It is understood that some players may not be aware of their multitude of sins they have accrued so far in Auckland. Auckland is afterall not Christchurch. Things roll differently here – what is acceptable in Christchurch may not cut it here.. you have been warned. It is advised that each player take a few moments to review their team faith prior to the fire and brimstone session and suggested that early pleas for mercy be put forward, as we know god loves a sinner turned to the light.

If there are those among the team looking for a more agnostic approach to this confessional, Couter has left business cards in all the rooms. The cards will give you a direct line to the Couter Hotline where he will assist you in a full psyche analysis and offer corrective measures to assist you in rehabilitation back into the Christchurch Community post tour.

As they say in India – please do the needful….

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Humbled…

Tigers go down 9-0 against a strong Aussie team called Wolves – Adam Humble hitting all his spots and showed his class.

Here’s the full match review..

Local news media is abuzz with a sensational news story from last night! Tigers drink the Wrestling Elephant (Takapuna) dry of Tiger Beer. Boom. NZ Herald reporters have bunkered down outside the Takapuna Motor Lodge in the hopes of a quick snap and a couple of sound bites. Ball Bag has enforced a total media black out, all players are reminded to keep their SH*t together and not partake in any other discussions of team events that could be impactful on our overall reputation. The blog is the main source of truth… honest …

Admittedly the nightly court sessions are having an impact.. and last nights call was Aussie Down.. Churchy was the earliest sleeping beauty soon followed up by a overdose of coke by Big Show – full insulin head rush and he’s down.. but happy!

          

The Wrestling Elephant bore witness to many other sensational activities yesterday the Tigers learnt a couple new games such as Blue Moose and a Heads/Tails Game picked up from on of the Canadian Teams. A fully competitive Spoofing match occurred whilst Pres and Rama were playing pool together. They seemed happy coming back to the group and confirmed that a couple of tricky browns had been sunk.

The Elephants also saw Pass the Pig where several leaning jowlers and double razor backs were seen by everyone but Churchy. Poor guy couldnt cut a break pigging out for a straight 10 in a row, eventually this got to him and in a fit of rage the pigs were thrown off the table in the hopes of receiving an interesting booby prize. All he got was a session standing in the corner and then an hour of shandy.. will he learn? tune back in tomorrow for an update…

Whilst the Tigers have avoided the Pink Eye break out that has taken down a few of the Canadian soccer teams and is by all accounts rife within the Games Village, there has been a need to invest in an on call translator during the last few court sessions.

So far we havent needed to upgrade this requirement further to full sign language yet, but I’m picking that we are just days away from this need. In anticipation, we’ve put a call in for Rev and Couter who we hear have the whole sign language thing down pat. They’ll be arriving in Auckland in the next 24hours and as soon as they land will be able to offer this as a pay per play service for those that need it. There could well be a need to confirm who has the better skillz here – and we are potentially looking at a Sign Language burn off in the next 48hours.. entry is open to all Tigers and Support Team. To enter this high stakes burn off please go to cubicle 3, room 19 any time after dark – post all entries through the small round hole in the wall and hold position until BarLamb has given the entry his full consideration.

Nuff said. Here’s the latest Team Pic whilst Churchy was still standing.

 

 

 

Tigers win 3-2 against EJays in a high drama result. Good pitching battle, with home runs to Bayno and Bourkey in the first helped set everything up. Tight finish in the end but good stuff all, full match report below.

After daily court sessions, player immune systems are starting to drop. The result isnt pretty and we are teetering on the edge of a mass pink eye break out.. we arent helping ourselves out much by sharing bottles and flicking ‘white stuff’ across the room – I’m not actually sure if BarLambs top is ever going to clean up right after he got a full facial of moisturizer last night… still all he has to do now is pull his shirt up and take a quick sniff and all the memories will come flooding back. Oh and Happy Birthday Bayno btw!

The Tigers continue break down international barriers, learning about new cultures and customs with every team we meet – the guys are really getting into it and opted for a full sausage fest at the WildFire for a brazilian bbq experience. The players were pumped to go full brazilian with Rama and Nails getting really into it and waxing up prior to attendance. Offers were put out for other players to ‘cop a feel’ of their smoothness… only Churchy took it up… he loved it. In fact the next night he couldnt stop talking about it, so much so that we had to tape him up as it was getting a little annoying…

On the way to go Brazilian we did have to hang out for an hour at the bus station watching bus after bus travel by totally full of other sports teams… Big Show and EB took the chance to try to make new friends. Big Show with one of the bus drivers… she didnt appear to happy with his offer of friendship, calling up the bus depot for a new bus and going all angry eyes on him… EB went for something a little more adventurous and asking to see some of the Russian Men’s TaeKwonDo teams moves… I think there just wasnt enough common ground established with the Russians pushing their way onto the next bus full ‘Mosco Styliee’.

Once the meat sweats died off, it was off to the games village… we lasted 1 beer, then jumped into local Irish bar for a wider variety of beverages… sorry WMG – you need to sort that out…. any who – at the bar much exuberance was taken part in.. we got involved in the local Irish jigs like ‘Dance with the Sasquatch’ and ‘Hey Ho He’s a He She’ these traditional irish themed dances performed in our team Hawaiian outfits went down real good, and to be fair it would have been the most expensive to date, but well worth it.

Things got blurry from there on… but thank god for Uber to get us home!

Lets keep it rolling Tigers! Enjoy the day off and back into it Wednesday!

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Tigers win their first night game in 15yrs 8-1 here’s the match review…

It all started to fall over when we went to the glow in the dark mini golf….. there are a couple of the team who technically are not to be allowed within 500m of schools and so arriving at mini golf where several children’s parties were underway was enough to set things up on a knife edge… said team members had to just ‘hang out’ in the car park for an hour or so until the location was made safe. Then it was all on a full mix of hero and zero… at a par 53 only one got close with the team average at 70ish..

Then it was off to the supermarket so Churchy could pick up some lube – apparently his penis-burn is rather sore and its only day 2… even with lube its gonna be hard on him to make it through… might have to go cold turkey for a few days…. although RadHolden does arrive tonight so I dont fancy his chances.

Two sleeping beauty awards were handed out yesterday – Athlete Bayno and Pres took them out, to be fair Pres was in the afternoon, so allowed, Bayno was mid court session. He’d told me before how he snores, but crikey, that boys got a chainsaw in him..

 

The world masters is awesome and many former world champs attending venues and pressing the flesh with the athletes to keep em fired up. The Tigers struck gold last night and Sir Peter Snell attended our 2nd court session – even wearing his black singlet. The team got excited to hear all he had to say, and to be fair he had a lot to say and by the end it was really hard to understand him because of his lisp.. in fact he spoke so much he may well have put Bayno to sleep.

The victim impact statements delivered as a result of Rama and Nails naked Indian running, wrestling and spooning was traumatic but people needed to hear the full soul destroying impact of witnessing such devastation.

Oh – time to go! more to come post match!

Back again – Tigers win 8-1  again and finish up in the 5th. Great hits kicked off by Pebbles and backed up by the rest of the team to put the result beyond doubt. Good job.

Then it was on to break down international barriers and in the style of Bar Lamb, Pebbles made the ultimate team sacrifice with the following photo call.

 

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All the action – brought to you daily with assistance from Glayva and KFC Takapuna.

To be fair there has been a small amount of activity that should be categorised as ‘Goes on Tour… Stays on Tour’ you know, the usual stuff like inappropriate pussy touching (the cat did bite back in the end), peeping through windows and getting caught, and making acquaintances with the local constabulary… that sort of stuff nuff said.

However sometimes there are moments that the world should know about. And today I am happy to announce that Bar Lamb made a special friend on the way to the opening ceremony.. I dont even need to embellish the story.  Here’s the short version… we all get on the bus – Bar Lamb goes to sit next to gentleman he took a shine to and said ‘I’m sorry. I’m gay” to which his new buddy replies ‘It’s ok so am I” and that was pretty much bar lambs night… they shared wild tails of the many closet parties they have attended and realised that they had just missed out on meeting one another before at the legendary Takapuna Key In Bowl Party of ’85… phone numbers were exchanged and when we finally pried the two of them apart before they turned into Pumpkins, Bar Lamb went to bed early for some ‘private time’

 

Opening Ceremony was a blast – great times and an awesome light show.

The early Kangaroo Court Session was gentle on all but Keeno – last nights undisputed spoofing champion.

Won our first game 4-2 so on the board with everyone getting a hit out and having fun on the diamond.

There is only one casualty so far – although Bar Lamb is sure to have his heart broken by the end of the week.. We lost Tigger on the first night – it was quick and as far as we know, painless.. we laid him to rest at the diamond, but like all good mascots we expect Tigger 2.0 to arise phoenix like from the ashes of Tigger 1.0.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Season 2016 – 2017 Doh….

Season Final Tigers 1 – Swingers 4

This was us today…….

See you all at prize giving! Well done you Swingers – our focus now is World Masters Games – after today I’m thinking we should pool together a first aid kit…

Double Header – Game 7 Classic Tigers 6 – Halswell 3  & Game 8 Classic Tigers 8 – Ancient Bandits 3

Today we witnessed one of the greatest trick plays in Classic Tiger history. EB and Pebbles were TOTALLY complicit in the whole thing and the intent was to make Pies run bases so his pitching was impacted… now you can say whatever you like about our acting skills – but I think EB pulled off an oscar for a WTF face when we sucked Pies into the play. To walk you through it… Pebbles fields the ball in center right… pretends to loop a back pass to EB for a quick throw.. but Pebbles hams it up and does a crazy flick no where near EB… EB hams up the acting, Pebbles throws down a panic’d “fuuuuuuuu….” and Pies is sucked into to a 3 bag run.. EB throws back in but Pies is blowing harder than a… [R18 expression edited out for good taste]  puffing so hard that it impacted the pitching and the Tigers pulled away just enough to secure the game…

That’s the thing about ‘Trick Plays’ you never see them coming…. and now we’ve done this one, its unlikely we’ll do it again..

Reflecting back on game 1 – its was a good effort by two evenly matched teams, a couple of good hits from both teams, plus a diving moose + pick up and running tag play. classic stuff from a close tussle that the Tigers managed to secure post trick play. Thanks to all the young fellas in Halswell for pitching in too. Good stuff.

Once game 1 was done it was on to Game 2 vs Ancients.

This is were things really started to get interesting… I think we’d gotten through our Halswell nerves (memories of the 2 – zip loss last time we played a double header here) and took to the second game with a more relaxed attitude and things remained close till the 5th or so innings. This didnt stop multiple comedy moments seeping into our game – two of the best being the Tigers trying to get Reubs to go for a 2 bagger, but him getting cold feet and throwing the anchor out pretty much 3 steps away from 1st base, and then flailing himself back to one – he looked like a drowning man out there! Then we had EB thinking it was 2 down and going all Forest Gump on us, and just running from a high hit that was caught – “Run Forest Run!” The Ancients were calling as he hit 3rd base and they had him out on 1. Classic moments that were only bested by Fiona’s vibrating love eggs sending out a low battery signal in the middle of a team meeting, discussions about Gerbils – that some people knew waaaaaay to much about ….’Armegeddon!!!!’ etc etc plus Moose and Nail’s fantasies of arriving to the World Masters games on a hovercraft. Well guys – we might not have enough time to get a fully weight tested hovercraft in place that is loaded with cocaine and ‘special friends’ but the following 2 concepts have potential.. see right and below

In closing, its been noted that Boydie has been issued with his Tigers Induction Pack now and has possibly already called the 0800 counselling number that comes with the pack as he’s started realise what he might have gotten himself into with these Tiger peoples….

Kia Kaha! And Good Luck England!!!!!

Game 6 Classic Tigers 12 – Kereu 0

Alan gets Moist, Reubs talks cravats, Moose has a weeping anus and Keeno 2.0 appears….

Kingfisher 7.8% is always going to make things a little more exciting than normal.. The extra strength can have a quick impact or a slow burn..my eyes are still a bit bloodshot to be honest… but hey – lets talk Allan – Now we all know and love the grand priest that is the father of the Rev, but you throw a Kingfisher at that guy and look out.. I believe the expression is ‘Gushing’ or it could just be ‘Moist’ sometimes I cant keep up… but what ever it was – that guy was wetter that Moose’s waterbed on a sunday morning…

Speaking of Moose – there was a small lottery going on whether he’d explode at the front or back door today.. using some appropriate padding products Moose was able to ensure it wasnt the latter – although it should be noted he was seen in the bushes (near Bayno) de-padding… and that thing looked pretty swollen… just sayin… not sure why Bayno was in the bushes though – deep cover or something?

Moving swiftly onto Cravats.. is it ok for a man to start talking about wearing scarfs and cravats, and then spot that another man might be wearing their wife’s Tanga Brief’s? How does that happen, how do people people spot this sort of thing?… its an honest question…. but please dont get upset if the answer makes you feel a little dirty..

As the Tigers age – the wheels slowly start to fall off, as the years pass there’s many a Tiger getting impaired vision especially after a couple of sherberts… that said the new Keeno 2.0 reminds me of someone…

Quick service announcement – World Masters – there is a legit competition being run by the pole holders to try and get photos of players of one sport in a pic with as many other players from other sports – you get to choose the sports and can submit through a new form system Pebbles has devised – so once we get to Auckland – just send me your pics – I’ll do the rest….

All up thanks for a fun afternoon in the rain – Rama showed Mr Selfish Pants how to hit a home run – and thanks Kereru! Keep at it!

Also – good stuff Prems!

Kia Kaha

Game 5 Classic Tigers 12 – Swingers 2

Shocking scenes here today at Papanui Diamond 1 – Tigers win again and manage to include a Reuby Dive/Fall, a double steal and a hot box out between 2 and 3 for the first time in 15yrs. Classic stuff.

They do say that if you win the Tigers Classic – you next game brings you back to earth with a bump, and so it was for the Swingers, dreams of a 3-peat vs the Tigers evaporated around the 3rd innings – the Tigers still running on the fumes of last weeks Glayva suckered the Swingers into a classic Pebbles double strike out that the Swingers never recovered from. The Tigers run continues, Pres is dying to do a speech, but has managed to have the self control to hold fire… long may it continue.

Many thanks to everyone who stayed on to help pull down all the nets and fencing – really appreciate that guys – we smoked it in about 20mins great work all.

Good luck to everyone at the Evergreens next weekend.

In case anyone missed Reub’s sliding dive fall to home plate – here is a reconstruction… kind of…

Good work all..

Game 4 Classic Tigers 3 – Halswell 1

The team met early today to receive a telecast from El Presidente Darren ‘King of Kings’ Vai-luga. The traditional speech and sacrifice was performed and it was into action – unfortunately new recruit Rama was left of the invite for the call and so no-showed the Pres – and you know what they say about Somalians? They never forget – such an insult is likely to lead to strategic room mate allocation, which a reasonable to strong chance of a Keeno Tea Bagging…. just saying… still early days, many games and speeches to attend in the build up to the World Masters – so all is not lost… but your wallet is going to hurt a little….

Ok now that’s sorted – back to the game… last time we played Halswell is was a 2 loss double header – ouch… so today was going to be tighter than Tight-Boy of Tight-ton – and you know what they say about Tigers….. they love tights.

1st innings was 3 up 3 down for both teams, then step up Nails with a tree felling lumberjack of a swing to put the ball over the fence – nice work. We keep the 1 run advantage till the next innings where Pebbles then Bayno get on base and are on bases 3 and 2 with no outs. Reubs thinks more of Pebbles chances and suggests a run to home when Bourkey gets out on 1, but Pebbles was playing the long game – sorry Reubs! Lead RBI player RadHolden steps up and a Ball heads past the catcher, Pebbles is home and a mis-throw back to home plate sees Bayno in as well – awesome work Bayno! No one saw that play coming.

Then is all about K…K…K…Keeno – holding out a strong batting line up, things looked a little dicey with loaded bases and only one down, but credit due – he had the ball on a string and Mark MacFarlane in his pocket 🙂 and its job done! Awesome work guys, they are dancing on the streets of mogadishu tonight for sure!

 

In other exciting news – its the Tigers Classic Tournament next week  – good luck everyone and Nails has lent us a van to transport people around – here is a quick clip from the instructional van driving class Nails has sent through to us to practise from – be afraid…. be very afraid…

Kia Kaha!

Game 3 Classic Tigers 4 – Ancient Bandits 3

Again the Classic Tigers start a game with just 9 players and the big Ow. Welcome to Boyd “Rama” Chamberlain to the CT’s making up the 9th spot this week.

In the first few innings I was sure “Doc Emmit Brown” had shown up and taken us back to 2016 with the Bandits scoring 3 runs and the CT’s going through the motions of just participating.

Finally something woke the sleeping Tigers ( might have been finding a pair of hard balls) and the Tigers come back with 4 runs. Finally some good hitting and overall a good fielding display.

Notes for next week:

Reubs – If they are only going to throw rise balls, swing for rise balls ( that white head cover is not becoming.)
Rama – you can cover every play if want. The rest of the CT’s only have a 40% mathematical chance of making the play ( it’s a proven fact)
Bourkey – wear proper safety equipment for the conditions
Moose – close your eyes earlier in the count.
Des – keep up the good work fine master.

Very financial week for the CT’s To the players that were given one weeks leave of absence – Bring IT next week.

 

Game 2 Tigers 19 – SK Ballers 0

Its not every day you get to blow your load into Jason Bourkes face – but I guess today was the day I joined the 50 or so other guys who have enjoyed this moment… given the numbers who have been there before me – lets just call it a semi-exclusive club and be done with it.

The Tigers are now achieved the giddy heights of winning 2 games in a row – a feat not achieved in the pre-christmas season, and if anyone questions me, I’ll call it fake news and alternative facts – I know what I know and that fine with me :). Anything could happen next week, so we’ll bask in the glory of this moment and ride the emotional roller coaster of B Grade Softball next week and see what eventuates.

We did, however, learn some key things today that will help in our pursuit of world masters glory (shame you can’t make it now Beaver – but you have a good excuse (unlike Reubs)), we learnt that

• EB likes a tidy diamond and will even pick up stuff as he’s running to home base to ensure the feng-shui is perfect
• Nails is getting a little forgetful, sometimes not even remembering he should be fielding – must have been soooooommmeee conversation with the scorers you had going on there…
• Bourkey is better when he’s not been around for a few weeks
• Moose and Pres have a complicated relationship, and something that can be sorted by ensuring they room together in Auckland this year.. I’ll bring the pop corn, Pres the Nachos and Moose the chewing tobacco… – those sheets are gonna get messy…
• If Reubs doesnt fall over in a game, someone else has to do it – thanks Richie ‘safe as houses’ Pebbles
• Anyone sharing with Reubs will be enjoying fine dining in Auckland this year – it may look like road kill in terms of presentation, but as Bayno’s colleagues out Rolleston way say – you dont have to look at the mantle piece to stoke the fire..

Kia Kaha Tigers – keep on roaring!
Game 1 Tigers 11 – Krushers 6

Whoops like its been a while since I’ve been here, but in my defence, Moose’s basement dungeon is pretty hard to escape from when you’re fully gimped up. Still here we are. 2017 the year of the World Masters. The next couple of months are like pre-season – a chance to try out new things, new positions and combinations, as lets face it…after day one at the masters, half of us will be injured and we’ll all be out of position.. Not too many putting their hand up for Right Field.. but hey ho.. however with Bourkey still sunning himself at his Ahoy Boy retreat (life member), the Tigers rolled out Bayno into Short Stop and, well didnt that work out well!

Meanwhile at bases 1 and 2 Des and Reubs put on a magical performance that at times appeared almost synchronized – Reubs as light footed as ever chasing down a ball to flick on to Des to get the runner out – we just need David Attenborough to walk us through it “you can see here how the 1st baseman moves his body in a ripple fashion for added speed, and then as he senses the presence of a fellow male is able to to commence a dive and pass that allow the 2nd baseman to shuffle though and collapse on the base” Or just watch the action replay below….

Let’s just say… Christmas has been good to the infield… and today’s key point is that most of today’s Tigers were asleep up until about an hour before the game – Tigers love a siesta!

Things didnt start that well with a massive hit from the Krushers 1 x home run 1st ball.. booyah.. but we pulled back and kept things ticking over – Bourkey would have been proud…

Man of the match today was the Pres – as he signed off his term to the the orange man, he fired one last salvo into centre field – a nice 3 bagger getting 2 runners home at a key point in the game. Great stuff from Bayno, Moose and Keeno too at key points to move runners around.

A few more big hits from the Krushers kept them in it, but a few too many fielding errors helped us keep a cushion.

All in all a great game and it was awesome to retain the trophy – God on you Legend!

Apologies for missing the previous matches, but we sucked and i couldnt think of anything useful to add 🙂

Game 4 Classic Tigers 8 – Krushers 6

I’d like to start today’s sermon with a quick safety moment and a team announcement

Safety Moment – this one was apparently gold over at the PanPacs this year and fooled many a swimming pool for sure.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Team Announcement(s)

• We’ve traded Moose for Jay Ray (Reuben Reubens wasnt around)
• Reubs told everyone today he could play as he was attending a wedding – but what he neglected to tell us is that he was attending his own wedding! I know he didnt want us to miss the softball by attending and I believe he has plans for a posthumous end of season stag do at his place – so all will be forgiven in time….
• Alan has opted to supply some off the shelf medicine for those guys coming back from Aussie – apparently there was a little bit of pink eye and facial herpes spread around the team some how – maybe a reused towel, or Father Dougal wasnt rinsing between horse jizz sessions with Radholden and Captain Selfish Pants. The meds will be supplied on a strictly confidential basis, no questions asked – nudge, nudge – but best to get yourselves cleaned up boys you dont want that shit festering.

Great game today peeps – great effort from both sides to celebrate the memory of Legend. Minimal circus music on our side with a light sprinkling of helmet and bat throwing on the other. Its not tiddlywinks right.

Both sides had the score board ticking over each inning with the Tigers nudging ahead thanks to 2 great home runs from Nails and Rev – awesome stuff. As you know, I’m easily confused, and the game was that tight, I actually thought we’d lost it 6-8 at the end – thanks Jas for steering me right.

Truth be told there were some tired Tigers out there today, as well as some coming back from a mid season break… so it was good it all clicked as needed and we got the trophy back to defend next time around. Great Stuff, Welcome Jay-Ray and Congrats to Mrs. Reubens

Game 3 Classic Tigers 10 – Swingers 0

My memories are fuzzy, but I know we managed to throw the butt plugged, dancing, gay-sha monkeys of our backs – then the world changed…

It was ‘Presidents day’, our annual homage to the greatest Somalian softballer since Abshir ‘The Great’ Shariif and the last thing I remember is getting into the car.

The night had gone well till then, (especially if you were an Aussie) and we had played traditional Somale party games such as throw the spear and behead the sausage, and we had drunk deep on the fermented Yak’s milk the President had flown in especially. The world was rosy.

Then things got blurry.. I don’t know if it was the lava-hot savouries or if the Yak’s milk was too warm…. but whatever it was.. I started stumbling on my words and not remembering the names of friends known for years… the world slowed and sound shifted, I remember the car, getting in it, talking about 90’s baseball in Pennsylvania and four songs that sound similar but are different…

Then everything went dark.

I woke sometime later on my driveway but found I couldn’t speak, my head felt compressed and vision was limited, I wasn’t sure what was happening – as I knew I could talk, but the words wouldn’t come out.. then a hand reached around and unzipped something on my face. Then the words came..I heard laughter, my back felt wet and had a strong desire to flee like a dog in a bath… and so I did, as fast as I could, I woke again and found myself in my bed, biting my pillow and quivering in fear. Twas truly strange, I couldn’t be sure if the laughter and the unzipping were real or not… Had I felt the interference or was it another dream?

Some time later I realized I was the victim of that prized Somale delicacy – ‘Ass Hash’ (too long to explain – just look it up) but this is one of the greatest party jokes that MIRFs like to play – its a guaranteed winner and something revered amongst all the tribes in the old country.

I still cant shake the sense of being interfered with.. but the nightmares are not so vivid now.

Kia Kaha Pres!

Game 2 Classic Tigers 3 – Ancient Bandits 5

Doh x2 – can someone please mow the feekin grass please! oh and make it a little warmer and the opposition not hit the ball so much.. cheers Other than that it was a fun game, plenty of massive first base hits.. Dougal’s gonna have some flash backs, but a few hugs in the disabled toilets will sort him out real sharp.. Moose has a permanent booking in cubicle 3 and 2.45pm – just head right on in, he’ll meet you there.

The Tigers are an inclusive fraternity, we welcome all  – right now we have the Pom, the Giant, the Pres, the Token, the Phantom Tee-Bagger and the Moose (+ his patented juices)… all of whom but would also be fully embraced at any Destiny Church (possibly) we all add our own special flavor and encourage the diversity to continue, there’s a few in the team who are unfortunately still carved from granite, call a spade a f*ckin spade and have hair cuts you can set your watch to.

But every now and then someone in team opens themselves up to new concepts and challenges our perception of them – take chubby hubby for instance – who would have thought that winning that expenses paid cruise to Japan courtesy of his Ahoy Boy membership with the Air NZ fella ‘Lee’ would have come up trumps for them. His Grindr profiles been going nuts since he posted up his drone clips called Memoirs of a Gay-sha, then changed his profile pic – its amazing what you can post on facebook these days, and some of the angles he can work from are truly diverse.. probably should have shaved the goatee off first though, as Reubs will know, getting that make up off your facial hair is a real pain in the ass… speaking of which.. word is the customs officials have run out of extra large gloves in anticipation of our Gay-sha’s return.. I just hope that make up is waterproof as there’s gonna be some tears.

Anyroad – pitchers and catchers, the Tigers take all – good on you Gay-sha, not sure the Rangiora crowd will be as forgiving as us, but hey – once a Tiger always a Tiger.

Congrats man.

Ball Bag

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Game 1 Classic Tigers 2 – Krushers 6

Doh! Looks like we were still too confused on reading the new team rules to be able to be our amazing selves for the first game of the season, heck its now monday night and I’m still reading the rules – hence the delay in this post.. honest.. What I can say is that there are no rules in place for the Classic Tigers Blog – so like a random pirate radio station floating on a boat on the lake at Pegasus, this site is your best bet for the real sauce on how the season is going,  Nothing but the far fetched truth and occasional misty water colored memory to keep you all trucking along as we head into the World Masters 2017 – and with that in mind we dont want to peak too early.. speaking of peaking too early there are 2 things you dont normally see in a Tigers game ….

1. Pebbles not being struck out – he didnt even swing at the rise ball – something strange going on there…c’mon!!
2. Reubs falling over and managing to scoop a throw from his glove that made it direct to first base for a good out… normally its a rushed ‘roooarrrrrr’ of a throw that bullets into the ground at the base with limited chance for a pick up.. 🙂

Outside of that it was actually a good tussle – albeit we were undone by the multiple Texas Leaguers and we need to work on hitting away from fielders – nudge, nudge, wink, wink!

People said we were short on the 3 B’s for the game, but we had B1 – Booze – so I’m picking it was the other 3 B’s we were missing – but even on Urban Dictonary Beer still shows up on Three B’s… So I guess I’m just confused still from reading the new rules.. and of course dont forget Rule 4.1.2… ‘Hear Me Roar’… I’m picking there could be money to be made on that one!

Good game you Krushers – catch you for the rematch later this year!

Season 2015 – 2016 – A Retrospective

Prize Giving and Season Wrap

What a ride, so many chairs broken, so many good time had – thanks for another cracker season you Tigers. Thanks to everyone for just turning up and being yourselves! Cheers to EB for all the organisation and to JB for let him do it during work time! Already looking forward to pre-season tournament training! Kia Kaha

As the winter months approach I thought I’d leave you all with a post season challenge – when I think of each Tiger I can associate an image with each.. so welcome to my mind – see if you can figure out who is who from the images below….

There is word that new players may be joining next season, and I’m sure a Dragons Den will be held before any rash calls are made….

Please send all entries to Sgt, P McCrackin, Rolleston Insemination Squad, c/o Rolleston Police c/o Bayno

 

Game 7 & 8 vs Krushers and Ancient Bandits..

Dum de dum de dum… let’s just say that with one hand Reubs gave us two home runs, but with other hand he struggled to combine with that other guy at short stop…

Game 6 vs Rolleston

Tigers 9 Rolleston 6

Great game today – was close and the Rolleston boys went well with more than a few big hits, luckily we caught all but two that sailed in the distance over Pres then EB. But, gentlemen, I think we have a Chili Bin Nominee – Keeno taking a great diving catch that any South American soccer player would be proud off – stopping a sure home run, and coming out of it relatively uninjured.. I’ve seen TeMete do it and leave half his body still on the ground – but Keeno (as far as we know came out unscathed)

We had a couple early bloopers – a clownlike throw in from Pebbles to Reubs to make any circus goer smile, and Des being blinded by the Moose Shadow despite having the sun behind him – admittedly facing down a charging Moose can put you off your game… but then we came right Pebbles combined with Reubs then Des to stop a home run right on home plate, Bayno taking a good running catch in centre field and we even had the infield throwing well to Beaver and Scotty on one – so all up pretty good stuff.

Then it was home time and Moose headed off with little Moose in tow and straight to their favorite place. The book store. Moose walked in and quickly went to his special corner and pulled out his reading list – he realized that he still had a few books to read today – so he grabbed these items and paid cash

1. Diving with Grace – by JRR Reubens
2. The Very Thirsty Beaver – by D & B Terrey
3. The Slightly Desiccated Beaver – by Buzz Terrey
4. The Very Thirsty Beaver 2 – Revenge of the Lube – by B Terrey
5. The Night I Took Your Dad to Jail by P Bayno
6. My Life In the Trenches – a Somalian Retrospective – by D Vi-luga
7. Who Will Toss My Salad – by D Radford
8. Getting Stoned – by Pebbles Burdes
9. The Cripples Revenge – by Limpy Bourke
10. Funny Stories from the Confessional – by Rev Dougal and Rev Rev
11. Timbeeeeerrrr!!!! by S Coutts
12. The Pumpkin Thrower – by E Byrne

They didnt have ‘I can tie my laces’ by JJR Reubens,, or ‘I’m Peeing Blood’ by Pebbles Burdes – but they are on back order for next week… maybe..

kia kaha Tigers! good luck at the Evergreens

Game 5 vs Albion Ancient Bandits

Tigers 1 Bandits 1

Today will be long remembered. It was a day of infamy and courage. It was the day that Reuby didnt fall over BUT also forgot he was on Beers…..

Word is that Big Show and Churchie felt a bit unsure about flying back over the ditch with their ‘Horse Jizz’ medicine and left about 20kgs of it with Reubs – Churchie told me its more powerful than Anal-Eaze – you can’t feel a thing all day – someone should have told Reubs to was his hands after applying it though, as I’m pretty sure he didnt know he was crying and dribbling out there, could have been the heat, but then again those stains looked more like the stuff you see in an educational film supplied by Murray Britt, than sweat… just saying…

The main question I have now is.. if Reubs is packing the Horse Jizz – and he falls over, do we put him down? That’s what they do to horses right?

Anyways, after the wondrous mobility displayed by Reubs today, Bourkey – who is always looking at entrepreneurial adventures is considering selling of the remaining stash – strictly cash only and no questions. The Aussies have coined the Horse Jizz name, and Tiger Balm is taken too, so right now we are looking at ‘Moose Juice’ as a quick campaign – for every 5kg sold, we’ll through in a free pork roll, some frozen bacon, a couple of empty bread bags and an award winning speech (signed) by Pres – looks like a pretty sweet deal today – we also are looking at a ‘gold package’ deal where we switch out the signed speech and replace with lyrics from one of the tracks from Pres’s upcoming motivational speaking CDs. Strictly a one off, cash only, results not typical, buyer beware (if it says only use on animals… its at your own risk).

Any legal or technical questions can be directed to Mark Te Mete – but please be aware of the process to register a question or complaint in advance for a speedier resolution.

Enjoy the end of summer sacrifices over at Tullamore (its a somalian thing!)

Nabdgelyo!

Game 4 vs Papanui Junior Bs

Tigers 8? Junior Bs 1

One week out from the Tigers Classic and Bourkey is peaking just right… Reubs not so much..

See if you can guess who is who in this comparison..

I arrived a bit late for today’s games as a result of some protracted negotiations with some strippers I was trying to organise for next Saturday night – you wouldnt imagine how hard it is to get someone to dress up as a clown and burst out of a cake..its all health and safety regs.. concerns about getting some cream in their eyes or chaffing clown costumes – its all gone totally PC I tell ya! The upshot is that I’ve managed to sort the dwarf and the goat, but am short one dwarf tosser – so if anyone knows someone or wants to give it a try – let me know – Moose is gonna supply the uniform, its only been slightly worn before and he assures me it will be clean by Saturday.

There’s a rumor going round that Dougal thinks the team has some sharp edges and has offered to run a 6am Kia Kaha session to smooth things out, Mark and I have told him not to bother as there are no sharp edges in the current squad, we are more circular by design, with some being more rounded than others – its a beating anorexia thing.

I can kind of see where Dougal is coming from as there were a couple ‘moments’ today where the blood pressure raised for sure.. Moose kicked things off with a Strike on Reubs that even Mark McFarlane would have questioned, and as we all know with our resident Ashburton Maori, you just have to give him a gentle push and he falls over – like a broken weeble. You could tell he was seething by the way he tried to tackle the poor kid on 3rd base, luckily he missed, but the scream Reubs gave off has he fell over was totally reminiscent of this little guy below..

Even after screaming out all his rage his balance was still off and it was impacting his throwing, such was his fury..

Reubs can be patient though, and so after trying to get Bourkey too sign up to the circus with him,  we thought is was all over, but ooohh no! With a flash of a smile he offered to umpire just as Moose was going to bat and the first two balls were strikes, Moose was game and managed to hit the third ‘Stirke’ but didnt make it too first base.. oh well – i guess we arent playing tiddlywinks anymore Dr.Ropata.

Outside of that things went to plan – no injuries even after Bourkey hit a 3 bagger, Scotty long legs sliding into to home, a few more falls from Reubs, and Keeno racing around in right field (he can play there again!), and a scorpion catch from Boom Boom.

For next weekend Pres will perform the traditional Somalian blessing at 6am on Sat – see you all there – its sure to be a cracker!

Kia Kaha! and bring the Glayva!!

 

Game 3 vs Krushers

Tigers 15 Krushers 3

The mind is clear now, the Rolleston fuzziness is gone. It all just feels like a dream – this week only one chilli bin and ball bag is back…did last weeks wierdness actually happen? Who knows! – let’s just put it down to a bad pint!

Great game today,played in a good spirit and whilst Shane may not have been happy that the Krushers didnt take out the win, we hope he would have been proud of the effort from both sides. Kia Kaha Legend!

Krushers came out firing and we did well to contain the first innings score – EB leveled things back up to 3 a piece with a crafty drive through center right. Then the Tigers just started turning the screw getting one or two runs per innings. We had our speed wobbles along the way with both Pres and Reubs showing their unique pirouette dance moves – to be honest I’m not sure which was best. Darren stayed on his feet, but missed the catch, Reubs started falling as soon as turned, but the ball fell into to his glove so redemption was made – so I guess l should give the best performance award to Reubs by a Mooses’ Whisker..The game got put beyond doubt in the 4th?  we had loaded bases, Darren beat the infield to get a runner in and then the Tigers very own “Box O’Chocolates” Richie smacked a Grand Slam  Even up by 8 or so we had to keep playing and did a good job to prevent the Krushers scoring again. Good job! Tigers retain Shane’s Trophy and we’ll look after him well.

For several years now the Tigers have each adopted pre-defined roles within the ranks – its a wolf pack without the roofies. The whole dynamic works as long as you only have no more than one person in the same role/same animal totem. So things are good. Currently we only have one dick, one c*ck, one c**t, one wa#ker, one clown, one lawman, one somalian, one moose, one beaver, one bunny and a couple of preists (different faiths). I know at times guys like to challenge the order of things and try to play more than one role – like clown, c**t, and wa#ker – but the weight of that role normally makes Reubs fall over and then every thing gets reset back to the way it should be. So why am I mentioning this? Well as times the Tigers are approached by outsiders looking to join – today for example this one chap – lets call him ‘Jesus’ (using the latin american ‘Hey-youze’) was sniffing around prospecting to fill a role in the team – but like his parents found our, baby Hey-Youze was to learn that there was no room at the inn and all roles were taken…its not personal.. its just how it is..

Kia Kaha you Jokers! good result today!

 

Game 2 2016 vs Rolleston

Tigers 4 Rolleston 3

No much happened today so after securing another near draw I headed home to check out the latest science and farming news articles. I learnt today that out Rolleston way they are dealing with several unexplained phenomenon – its real x-files type stuff.. two main themes seem to be occurring – local livestock are getting worried about the phantom ball bag snatcher and then there is the mysterious case  team equipment cloning. Drew Peacock of the Rolleston Volunteer Insemination Assistance team has even been quoted as thinking that people are being cloned out there too and silently being replaced by some higher power.

When I first read this I thought the Drew must be heading down the same path as his brother Chris Peacock and spending a little bit too much time drinking his product in the sun… but then I remembered something from todays game – where was ball bag? did anyone see him? has he been snatched? Then in an even weirder flashback I remembered seeing two identical Chilli Bins.. WTF? Two? And what happens when Chilli Bin goes to sleep? will he fade away and be replaced by a pesudo Bin.. and what happens to the beers that get put inside him? do they still taste ok? or will they be laced with something icky? Its almost too much!

I then thought back on the game and at times i felt we were a bit muddled up top, especially those who drank from the second bin of chillis… it reminded me of papa smurfs old magic (that really only effected Reubs) but it was that same slowness of thought and action.. maybe its just a Rolleston thing – something in the air and land that pulls the city dwellers down, maybe the air is just too clean? i dont know.. but I was concerned – especially about Ball Bag, so I spoke to one of Bayno’s mates – nice guy called Phil McCrackin and we put some paperwork together that got sent on to his CSI team featuring Kenya Swallow, Mrs.Hiscock and Ben Dover. Now I am at home I’m still confused about why he told me their names… just weird..

The CSI guys are going to look into it and come back to us next week, in the mean time I’m putting a poster campaign together – hopefully it’ll go viral – thought I’d head it up with ‘Have you Seen this Ball Bag?’ and whack a photo up online – who knows – maybe someone has.. although i know he likes to be a bit of a hermit, but someone must have seen him.. So I’ll keep you posted.

As the for the Chilli Bin dopelganger.. hmmm well we’ll also see what happens next week.. if two turn up – its all good and nothing sinister is afoot.. if only one… well I might have to go see Chris, Phil and Drew again for a sanity check..

Happy Trails and until its declared safe – don’t stay in Rolleston after dark!!!!

Game 1 2016 vs Quakers

Tigers 5 Quakers 5

Well if I know one thing… we’ll either get better or we’ll sign up for the circus.. technically I guess that’s 2 things? but hey hoo..

Looks like some of us may have over indulged over the holiday break – Richie has finally grown into his size L pants and managed to split the zip… Reubs has offered to take some time out from his latest pizza franchise support program and reading about weight management to use some fluro thread to stitch the zip back up.. should we trust the offer?? The is a strong chance that he may get pizza sauce on the pants and that stuff is hard to get out..

Other than that some of the guys did great today – Dougal did the usual – 3 weeks off – boom home run, then backing up with a strike out, EB the usual pitching, hitting, catching machine, Rev keeping the centre field error free and  Moose giving his buddy at 3rd base catching practise.

The best thing today was we realised – No Beaver = Loads of leftover Beersies! Awesome!

Oh and the other best thing was that when the pressure did come to hold the draw in our final fielding session the circus music didnt play! Positives, positives, positives!!

We live and learn amigos – onwards and upwards!

 

Game 11 vs Krushers

Tigers 14 Krushers 8

Twas the last game before Christmas and all thru the Diamond
The Tigers were stirring and even the Moose
The gear was laid out by the team with care
With hopes that Home Runs would be hit out there

The game began and there arose such a clatter
The Tigers were hitting, every single batter
Away to the outfield the balls flew like a flash
And you just knew that somewhere Cairnse was making some cash

From the side young Bourkey was smiling with glee
He just couldnt believe what he could see
“Now Desie! Now Erroll! Now Bayno and Reubs!
On Scotty, On Moose! and Beaver and Rev!
Keep the roll on, Keep it on!
To the outfield, the outfield  – boom and its gone!

And then after 13 runs scored,  it was done
With just one innings the Krushers hopes were gone
A valiant fight back was tried and came close
But the Tigers still had the game by the nose.

The Trophy changed hands and everyone cheered
To have played in a great game of softball – the best of the year!
Then with the game all over and done – Bourkey headed out of sight – screaming
Happy Christmas to All! And to all good night!

Epilogue:

With the game finished and everyone out at Bourkey’s for his 40th the only thing that could possibly top it off would be one of the Tigers getting crazy… and ladies and gentlemen… It appears Keeno is our man…
Check out the Tigers facebook page for his antics!

Great season guys – I’m glad the the intervention of Ball Bag ensured we moved on from our dip in form to peak when we needed to!

Kia Kaha and Merry Christmas!

Game 10 vs Papanui Junior Bs

Tigers 22 Junior Bs 8

It will be a game long remembered for EB’s great double play, Richie’s sliding catch, Darren catching one and Keeno striking out Thrice! Thrice I tell you! it would appear that Father Dougal has been drinking again and its not pretty!

It was team photo day today and luckily Moose has washed his kit this time, Rev hadnt.. and now he’s started hitting again, I’m not sure he should wash his kit again till the end of the season!

Now the good thing about us Tigers is we have several types of batters, we’ve got the regular hitters, the big hitters, the dribblers and the strike out squad.

Dont be fooled by the name ‘Strike Out Squad’ – the guys in that group play a clever game each week… sucking in the opposition pitchers till they relax enough or throw the same ball twice (as long as its not a rise ball..) and then they pounch, and boom its home run time… i should know, been doing it for years,,, today we inducted a new member of the team into the Strike Out Squad – young Father Dougal – and just like Dougal he kind of missed the key thing – you do 2 bad at bats and on the third you smash it… Ball Bag is considering Glayva shots per strike outs these days.. so watch out..

There is also a rumour that a few of the guys had a few too many sausages before the game today as well – Chilli Bin wants to clarify that we are operating a strict no pre-game sausage routine – as we always play shitzu until they’ve been digested,.. so watch your Sausage intake team – Chilli Bin be watching..

It could have been the curse of the sausage or too long a warm up – but what ever it was we kicked off well, but let the B’s back into the game  and it was 6-6 at the mid point.. Darren called a meeting, the Kia Kaha name change was raised, everyone took a deep breath and got back to hitting. I think in one innings we got about 8 or 9 runs… someone must have scored twice, cos Keeno didnt…

Lets keep the roll on!

 

Game 9 vs Ancient Bandits

Tigers 8 Bandits 0

BY THE POWER OF GLAYVA – the Tiggers come back from the ashes of 2 defeats to rise victorious once again!

Don’t know much about the game as I wasn’t there, but I’ve heard through Grindr that Bourkey’s is still sore from umpiring? All that bending over to pick up the coins he’s throwing on the ground to get a good eyefull can be pretty taxing I hear.

Keeno pitched a pretty perfect game, EB hit one over the fence, Reubs fell over, and Moose got shot by the elephant gun at home plate again and came up looking like Santa… small children even started appearing from nowhere keen to sit on his knee and tell him what they wanted for Christmas…things did go a little far at times when he tried to show his Santa’s Sack… that when the team quickly jumped in to diffuse things and give him a good brush down.

That’s about all I know!

Great stuff guys! The threat of the Kia Kaha outfits must have done the trick!

Game 8 vs Kaiapoi

Tigers 6 – Kaiapoi 7

Ball Bag went through the post match analysis and has assessed that we are not a Windy Day Team.. yep that’s it. both losses have happened on windy days… so lets make that the reason eh? Roll on the new T-shirts for Team Kia Kaha – they only come in gold and are only ‘muscle top’ fit – so were are gonna look fantastic, but maybe a little muffiin toppy.. Please work on your Kaha shout for next week.

Anyways, after feeling a bit down for a while, I needed to feel good about myself so I watched an episode of COPS, its a show that’s good for the soul, and always cheers me up!

Last night they were using a bait car to encourage people to jump in then arrest them. They were using a small red Honda and I couldnt help but think it looked familiar. So the premise was they pull up, leave the car keys in the door then wait for a local to  jump in for an awesome ride, and man I hear those Honda Logo’s are the bomb for donuts and burnouts – rear wheel drive or something like that…

So – they let the perps get in the car, then watch them do something dodgy, then throw on the rubber gloves and after a quick taser to loosen everyone up, its time for that full body cavity search to see what they are packing.. That’s always the highlight of the show, and as they say – its better to give than to take.

It was only later that I realised just how close I came to experiencing the long arm of the law on that one.. and it wasnt even my birthday!

However I did take a screen shot from the episode as I’m pretty sure that a couple of the Tiger’s league team got sucked in and were in for a fun night indeed!

Game 7 vs Krushers

Tigers 6 – Krushers 11

Ball bag says we are allowed to let the wheels fall of once per season.. he’s told me if it happens again we are going to have to start looking at using ritual sacrifices to help motivate people.

We’ve reviewed the sacrificial options and currently have them set at.. (in no particular order..)

1. Reub’s music to be replaced by continual banjo playing and yodelling from his six fingered Ashburton  cousins – I think its an all female quintet – but we may need to gender test
2. ‘Tigers’ to be replaced on all playing tops with ‘Kia Kaha’, team name to be changed to Classic Kia Kaha and before every game there will be a compulsory team shout of ‘Kia Kaha’
3. Before every game we will join hands together to recite Darren’s remix of the team Yogi Bear song – over time this will involve hand actions – not sure what to do for Bayno’s hose – but BallBag will work something out..
4. The Yellow T-shirts will make a comeback and no additional fabric will be made available for ‘resizing’
5. Beer will be on hold till we score our first run… crikey ballbag must be well pissed off!
6. DB Draught to be re-installed as the team drink and heaven forbid – but if shit dont get real – the Chartreuse will be back too!
7. Finally – team clown award to be introduced at any time – involving a player to have their face painted white and big ass clown lips to be drawn on by Moose – he’s got an eye for those details

If that doesnt shape thing up pretty quickly.. well I dont know what will! But let;s not go there eh?

Outside of that it was a fun game interspersed with much heart to heart ear whispering between Moose and EB, Reubs falling over (twice), Beaver falling over, Nutty falling over –  basically – if you werent falling over, you just werent cool today..

The game was also the first in a celebration challenge to commemorate Shane aka ‘Legend’ from the Krushers and sets up a continual challenge between the Krushers and the Tigers with each winning team holding the trophy till the next game – that’s awesome and we are proud participants!

Well done you Krushers – until our next game!

Games 5 & 6 vs Rolleston Razorbacks

Tigers 7 – Razorbacks 5

Tigers 11 – Razorbacks 9

Its all a bit of a blur… but essentially both games played out the same – we went waaay behind, but came back. The two matches were interceded by a massive sausage-fest that got the better or Beaver/Tuffy.

I may not have the ‘moments’ right from each game, so feel free to point that out at some later stage!

There is a big rumor going round that Bourkey had a bit of money riding on both games – and we did see a envelope fully loaded with unmarked bills being passed around at the end… hmmm – now Bourkey doesnt like to lose, so i’m a wondering if he had some Cairnsie action going on with Keeno and Beaver – maybe had a small flutter going on for the first innings? Both guys got the wink from JB and ‘couldnt get the ball to move’ so put it down the middle to the Rolly top order in both games and it sure was like ground hog day in the outfield – you couldnt hear any circus music above the whistling of the incoming scuds. I think it was 4-0 in the first game and 5-0 in the second.

All I know is cash was exchanged and Bourkey had a smile on this face….

Now a Tiger just needs a sniff of the right pheromone to get all fired up for a mighty come back – normally its Galyva… but this time it was Beaver cranking up the bbq. As the smell of sweating pre-cooked sausages started wafting through the team, things began to change for the good! Pres kicked off the comeback followed up by Richie, then the top order joined in the fun! Now normally us Tigers are more accustomed to ‘gourmet’ sausages, – you know Cheese Injected Sizzlers or Beef Flavoured ones, but at that stage the good old pre-cooker was enough – the roll on happened and didnt stop I think we got about 5 or 6 back, it was hard to see through the wafting pre-cooker haze..

But that was enough. Tigers up by 2 and going in to bat agani, Rolly called it and it and it was time for the sausage-fest.

I dont think I was the only one to get a little bit of Beavers special hot sauce over my hands and down my front – dont know how he made it red, but all it took as a gentle shake and that thing was going all bukkake on everything.

Now there are some Tigers how may have under ate at the sausage fest – I know of at least 1 player who only had one Sausage – that’s not how we play Pres! This is a boots and all team mate – when the sausages come out, you dont stop till the plate is empty… ok… Rev took that advice and after swallowing his fourth whole sausage, tried to jog to the out field, but his blood had all gone to his gut, he looked like he was gonna blow, but kept it down – great example of a Tiger living the beating anorexia dream.

It took a while for us to shake off our post-sausage fest after glow, and we were sleepy and happy but losing badly for the next 3/4 of the game!  Beaver got the record for the most expensive 1st innings pitching ever, Bourkey rubbed his hands together gleefully, not sure if he was trying to shake off the hot sauce, or just happy at winning all that cash… Beaver got retired and Keeno finished off the first innings.

After that the game played out just like the first. The Sausages took a while to wear off and the fight back from 7-1 down started in the 6th? again with the tail enders wagging! Everything clicked and the fight back was on, home runs from Rich, Errol (and an almost one from Reubs…) plus good hitting from Beaver, Darren, Moose… well pretty much everyone but Des actually.. and the game totally shifted in 2 innings pulling back 8 runs. Scores leveled with one runner on and JB gave Keeno the wink and its a home run – Tigers win by 2 runs – talk about a come back!

Thanks for the memories….. and the hot sauce… anyone know how to get that stain off my Tigers top?

 

Game 4 vs Albion Ancient Bandits

Tigers 7 – Bandits 6

What a great game! This biggest highlight was captured on screen below – ok maybe not… but this was the closest thing I could find that emulated Moose’s run to 1st… And you thought I’d go easy on him after last week? Actually outside of this epic moment Moose had a pretty solid game. (let’s not talk about Keeno throwing low to Moose at third with a Bandit sliding right at him! – Only Mark could have fielded that catch… and he was lubricating the bench at the time.

Zippy started the pitching and the top order got off to a great start ending the batting 2-0 up… thanks to a big hit from Keeno – welcome back to the team – looks like there’s nothing wrong with your back now!

Then the circus music began to play in the outfield – it was like a mythical sea siren playing mind games with the outfield lulling them into a false sense of security and pulling them in towards the infield – until boom – a big Gillie hit – ‘just’ over Richie’s head, the music then travelled round to center field infecting the Pres and suckered him in to calling for a ball that pulled away from him.. oops Bandits close the gap and its 2 all – but honestly, jogging in from the outfield – it was hard to tell over the circus music. It was seriously pumping and pitching up to a crescendo helping those two awesome outfielders both get struck out to Zippy rise balls! Doh! We sheepishly returned to the outfield, but sadly the music just kept on playing – I think it was on a loop or something – Darren just wanted it to stop, he was desperate! He was so sick of it that when the ball got hit to him he just said ‘Fu** It’ and ran in towards second base hoping to swop with someone in the infield where things were going better.

Bandits pulled out to 2 in front. Our top order kept hitting, the tail enders not so much :), but the Tigers pull it back by 1 – could have been 2, but Reub’s hip gave way after a great hit up the middle  – but its all still on.

Top of 5 and its time to make changes – EB into the game to pitch. Bandits made a change too, with Zippy off the mound and replaced by Gillie – the change worked well initially for both teams with neither top orders able to hit – then in the 6th it was the turn of the Tiger Tail to start wagging – Rev hitting clean to get onto 1, then EB (in for Darren) fighting a mighty duel –  after about 15 pitches got a walk to 1, then who’s up but everybody’s favourite Pommie, and who says you can’t come back from 2 strike outs and help with the game! Gillie puts it down the middle with a slight drop – Richie smacks it low and hard to centre field and it’s a home run! Tigers go up by 2 Boom! a classic Zero to Hero move! Bayno doesnt want to be out done either and smacks another home run as well- up by 3 with the Bandits to bat.

It’s around this time that we should generally have a quick round of Glayva – just to take the edge off things – as it gets tense – especially when the Bandit’s pulled back 2 runs – only the Warriors (or England) could lose it from here! EB cool as ice closes out and we win by 1.

It will be a game long remembered and hereby ever referred to as the ‘The Game that Felled a Moose’

Good job guys!

Oh and I reckon this is what Moose saw when he started running to 1st!

<

 

Game 3 vs Papanui Junior B Men

Tigers 18 – Junior  B’s 4

The main thing you need to know about the Ball Bag is that it should never get so full that it will overflow, this can lead to unsightly swelling, and unless relieved, can lead to a rupture – and no one wants to see the Ball Bag rupture.

Word is that Moose and the Ball Bag were kindred spirits today, both feeling a little full and in need of release. Errol – being the team player that he is was able to ease the tension on Ball Bag – but no one was able to assist Moose-cake (there are some things you just have to do on your own I guess..(thankfully..)). For Moose, the journey was a bit more of a challenge. A taxidermist friend of mine once commented that of all the Elk type Species and sub Phylums, the Moose has the smallest hooves, and so it is for our Moose  – they are almost childlike in appearance, and according to Moira – very smooth as well. So as they say – small hands = small glove…After a few miss fields, that even Bourkey could have had, Moose realised he was wearing Reuben’s new glove… which was of course far too big for his little pinkies so he walked off the diamond… muttering about how a 12yr old can be larger handed than him and traded down to a U11 size and everything started to pick up from there.. tension released 25% – still high rupture risk..

It was Rev’s turn to leave his mark on the diamond, and I think he left a few little red ones out there just before home plate.. ouch – sliding in for home kept his hands low and got spiked by big Tim coming through to tag him.. If you looked closely at the stud marks and blood I’m pretty sure you could see the Virgin Mary outlined – mysterious ways Rev, mysterious ways… next time up i thought he was gonna clear the fence – but it just held up enough to drop short. Speaking of which Bayno had come close earlier to right field – good piece!

A few good hits came through during the middle of the game and it was time for the Moose to fully release – hitting a strong one to centre right bouncing over the fence – tension released 75% – low risk of rupture – may require a quick self service within the next 48hrs to be fully in the clear.

Try as he might Reubs only managed to fall over once today, despite Bayno trying to pitch it so he’d get into the game – it just didnt happen. Fiona felt sorry for him so fined him $5 anyway.Today’s award for dirty uniform therefore to goes to Mark ‘Limpy’ Te Mete, for falling over on the diamond twice, plus getting out cold at home from Keanu ‘Future Tiger’ Te Mete.

That all done EB had todays biggest hit clearing the fence in right field – boom – Waaay bigger then Bourkey’s hit from a few seasons ago… 🙂

Ok see you all at the Presidential Residence tomorrow – and watch those ball bags.

Kia Kaha!

 

 

Game 2 vs Kaiapoi

Tigers 9 – Kaiapoi 4

There’s been a lot going on this week – I’ve had to do a bit of baking for the church fair, and figure out some new ways to annoy people on facebook – so apologies that this is a little late.

To be honest, I don’t know Kaiapoi to well and I tend to get lost on my way out there, this week I was on beers so I decided to stop on my way as I was heading down Main North Road in Belfast. Belfast is kind of like Christchurch’s last safe zone before hitting the boonies, you know that once you pass it – you have to lock your doors and do up your windows – and hope like hell that the GPS is working.. Luckily I spotted a nice couple near Harringtons and asked them if they knew the way to Kaiapoi Park… the women just about fainted and the guy gave me this sad expression and said turn left after you pass the second set of burning tyres..  I made sure I had a full tank of petrol and after securing the beers so they couldnt been seen, I did my last safety check and headed out…

As the smoke cleared after the burning tyres I could just make out the park. The Waimak council have actually done a pretty good job out there, once you make it through the Police check point and show you Papanui Card you can pass safely past the razor wire and into the games area.

It was pleasing to see the rest of the team car pooling out to the ground – always safer to travel in a group and come in a car you havent washed for a while – easier to blend in – and it was a good turn out to be honest – we tried our best to convince Des and Darren to play, but after that incident with Des in a dress at the Kaik a few years back he’s not been allowed back to Kaiapoi town limits since (I think they still have an annual burning out there to keep the safety wards in place) and Darren couldn’t secure the full police escort so his security detail called the event off for him. Oh well – maybe in time we can change this…

We then set about figuring out the ‘B’ Grade thing – on average we looked to be about 20 years older and maybe 20kg heavier… (some maybe a little more..) its always amazing to play against a younger team – you know you can teach great sporting concepts like No Stealing and No Bunting.. maybe even tougher concepts like Infield Fly = Dont Run.. so we set about that.

Rev wasnt happy just to keep to teaching our main team concepts and wanted to give them a really good show – he was able to present flawless displays of the Tiger Hand Shuffle and Tiger Two Step – sometimes even combining them into one fluid performance – it was impressive to behold, but I’m not 100% that the knowledge stuck as the young fellas didnt seem to pick it up easily.. it does take time to bed in – so maybe we’ll check back in on them after Christmas?

Looks like we are still a batting team (bar Richie :)) Their young fellas in the outfield can still cover a lot of ground and caught a few of us on high hits, so low and hard was the way to go. Keeno stepped up for his first at bat and swung just a little too hard – doing a full 270 before hitting the ground – impressive – he was pumped though, and hit a massive home run to left field on his second time up – good job!

Beaver kept mixing things up in the pitching to keep them guessing, followed up by Errol to come in as the ‘Closer’. Scotty did a great job stopping any balls spilling out from the catchers circle and Reubs, inspired by Rev, tried for the elusive Tiger Two Step Shuffle with Full Pirouette, its a rare move not seen since Bourkey pulled it off back in 2009, Reubs actually came pretty close to nailing it – 10 points for effort man – need to work on the speed of the spin to get it better I think…

Looking back on the game, I think the combo of Glayva followed by Mid Strength Beersies did the job!

Great work everyone!

Kia Kaha for next week!

 

Game 1 vs Krushers

Look out anyone facing the Tigers fresh off a Tournament. Batting first and she’s pretty much all over bar a couple of errors from Beaver and Bayno – nuff said! Welcome to the B Grade! To quote Reubs – lets stay focused eh? One game does not a season make – so watch for wheels falling off, and circus music later in the season!

Tigers 14  Krushers 2

Meanwhile in other news….

El Presidente had an Epiphany on his way back from Nelson – it can happen when you see a Camper Van just about to crash into you… so as a result El Pres has decided to live for the moment and to bring out some new rules… and we are particularly vulnerable right now as we don’t have a current Complaints Manager… It sure does feel like El Pres is looking to start a dictatorship. His first commandment requires everyone to hold ID on their person, so that he can ask to look at it when ever he feels like it… and I thought we already had a cop in the team. El Pres is also going to be employing some ninjas, sorry I mean, heavies from the in field to help enforce compulsory Card Calls, and if you are found without ID you will be given a stern finger wagging, followed by a one hour lecture about motivation involving multiple references to “Kia Kaha” and the blood of your ancestors .. you have been warned….

If you do hold ID and all your paperwork is in order you will receive a special invitation to the Presidential Suite on Labour Weekend – for you social climbers – this is your chance to make it into the Inner Circle.

To be successful on the night please come to the event with the following equipment – ID, a large packet of Nacho chips or Burger Rings, a Barry White record in Vinyl, something inflatable and something to throw at the ceiling fan… you will then need to work on your super sleuth skills and figure out what side of the Presidential Bed Darren sleeps in so you can deliver the Nacho/Burger payload as needed, bonus points are available if you can hit the spare bed to..

If you can accomplish this task you will be considered ‘Qoyska‘ by Darren and enter the Presidential Inner Circle of trust.

It is a great honor to become ‘Qoyska’ and for anyone who is successful you will be serenaded to Darren’s new hit single, called Jiririco Hodan Abdirahman iyo iskalaji which I’ve been told roughly translates to – ‘Can’t touch me…I’m the President’. If you are really, really lucky you may even be treated to the bonus track of ‘I’m a tiger bear’ sung in the native Somali Style (involving much hugging and jumping (be ready for skin on skin contact)).

El Pres does actually have a pretty good voice these days – and is known informally as the ‘Singing Somalian’ or ‘Shimbir Song’  down at the ACC office in Papanui.

Under the Information Act we have been able to get footage from the recent ACC Coaching Seminar where the big fella led all the delegates in a rousing rendition of Jiririco Hodan Abdirahman iyo iskalaji –  that shit is emotional for sure.

Stay Classy you Tigers.. until next week.

---

 

South Island Masters – Final placing 2nd in show, best in Glayva.

Nothing like an almost pre-season road trip to sunny Nelson to help the team bond over some midnight tea bagging and throwing something heavy at the ceiling fan competitions to really get everyone fired up.

It’s just long enough to get to know people, and not get really sick of them.. almost. Sometimes though you can start to associate a word with each person on the team – I mean you’ve got Des and “Wasake NaHaaaLLOWWW’ (ok that’s 2 words and really loud), Beaver and ‘Go the Broncos’ (ok that’s three words followed by a massive slap on the back), Keeno and ‘I’m going to take that bat Dan’, Dan and ‘Sonic’ and Mark the Blue with ‘Tinder’ and ‘Lurker’ – whoops – sorry, what goes on in the van, stays in the van – unless its last nights Ribs, and they can stay way out of the van thanks!

Ok – so we all got up in one piece, then tried to trash Reub’s motel room, but realised we were actually at the Masters and not the U19’s so thought better of it and just swiped Reub’s shoes – honestly we were that close to putting them in the pool, but Reubs only floats in the water these days, and we’d have to send Richie in to get them off the bottom, and we all know he can’t get out of the pool anymore so we had to settle with just filling them up with ‘water’… oh and throwing his cap in the dunnie… best handle that one with care Vic..

With that all done and our senior players in bed at 9pm we move on to day 1.

Maybe not going hard on the first night is good for us? Everyone just had a double shot of Glayva right before the first innings and hit the ball like pros – well everyone but Jas.. he just got a bit teary about how good we were playing, although that could have been a bit of pink eye he caught of Des and his ribs from the night before, not 100% sure on that one..

Tigers vs Pirates – End result – Tigers Roar and take the game 11-0 – I don’t even think there were any strike outs..

Next up where the Wakatu Rebels – with a couple of big name players pitching and catching – but after you have another shot of Glayva you look at things a little differently and so we just went for it and started hitting – the circus music did play a couple of times during the game and that cost us a little bit, but we were right in it and it felt great.

Tigers vs Rebels – Rebels take it 6-4

We then took a few hours of to have Mark rub us all down, but he got pretty tired after working on Reubs, so we gave him a break, had a few quiet beers, those that could got in the pool for about 20secs, felt numb and got back out again.. everyone but Richie of course – helped everyone get out of the pool… a real gentleman that guy…

Next game is against the Derby Boys from Rolleston, we all had another Glayva, then got given some sour snakes ‘lightly drizzled’ in Papa Smurf’s secret power hitting elixir and boom it was all on – game over in 40mins 18-0 after 3 innings. EB got a 3 pitch innings and Reubs put it over the fence – ripper! Later that night we would realise that the Derby Boys threw the game so they could finish early to work on their Mexican outfits and win best in show on the night – damn fine effort there!

Tigers vs Derby Boys -Tigers take it 18-0 fastest game of the day. BOOM!

End of Day 1 and like all good sports teams it was off to KFC – they have a pretty quick service up there, and once everyone had there bucket of 20 wicked wings it was time to quickly guzzle that, and go all Mexican for the night.

And boy what a night – the Masters Games really do a great job – everyone was there and all dressed up – it was so packed you couldnt even move when Des’s Ribs or Wicked Wings let rip. The main people I feel sorry for that night was the poor old Saxaphone player standing on the stage right behind Dessie – timing is everything and boy – imaging have to suck in one of those rippers and keep on playing mid song – that guy was true Pro! Dessie.. not so much..

The Tigers then extended the wet willie of friendship to the Soccer playing masters and I’m pretty sure the player called ‘Mark Te Mete’ did it too wasn’t actually a soccer player, as he didn’t scream and fall over.. well maybe he did, but it looked awfully like he was trying to take a swing…then he fell over…we then switched buses to hide the evidence, but the guy had a taste for a wet finger in his ear and followed us on board… nooooo… luckily he got blinded by his ear rings and necklaces and lost us on the bus….

On the ride back we did strike up a conversation with this old fella on the bus – he was like a ‘wedding crasher’ type of chap – said he liked weddings and funerals, but loved the Masters Games the most – stating – (and you’ll have to guess the word) ‘ Women are like “XXX XXXX’ the older they get the easier they are to pick up’ – I mean the guy was a true Master’s legend. Awesome!

Then it was all over and day 2 arrived… something happened in London… no one cared too much about it.. and we kicked off with more Glayva to take on the Eagles.

Tigers roared out to a 7-0 lead, stayed out in front, but wobbled a bit and it was 7-4. The most bizarre thing then happened the game ended, then restarted and with runners on 1 and 2 and big fly ball out to right field Macca took the catch easy as and it was all over…. again… just a weird, wierd ending..how could Macca have caught that… the mind just boggles!

Tigers vs Eagles – Tigers take it 7-4

Then it was Finals time vs the Rebels who we had lost to the day before.

Talk about intense, we batted first up, taking it to 2-0 even against Marty we were still hitting – it was great. Darren didnt even need to do a speech or anything, although EB did, but no one said Kia Kaha.. which was good!

The Rebels didnt lie down and shot out to 4 runs as well. EB pulled in Keeno and we stopped the hitting and managed to pull back another run to make it 4-3. Marty then pulled himself and brought in another pitcher – talk about a compliment! Ripper.

The wheels then feel off a little and in the ‘final’ innings the Rebels shot out to a lead we couldnt pull back – ending up 10-3 at the end.

Tigers vs Rebels – Rebels win again 10-3

But boy what a game – it was awesome and we did well and I’m sure we’ll take that to the B Grade this year.

Silver Medal Ahoy! then out to watch the Cowboys v Broncos – Beaver brought all his mates, Dan was in shock about Beaver and the game! Bayno lost his appetite and the Mayans started picking up chairs to whack each other with! Talk about wow!

We all left with all out kidneys thankfully and then it was time to break into Richies room so we could all watch Keeno sleep walk for a bit, the ceiling fan took a break, but Darrens sheets got a bit full of chips – seriously Debs – If I was married to him I wouldnt let him eat chips in bed…

Then it was home time and Reubs drove us home trying to get as many complaints about his driving as possible – he did well – I’m sure there will be at least 3.

Awesome trip guys – thanks to EB and Jason for sorting it all out and thanks to the Lone Star for the use of the van! I’m sure there wont be any complaints about the driving.. well maybe one and that wasnt Reub’s fault… good co pliots are hard to find!

Wasake Nahoooooloooooo!!!!!!!!!